In a bit of time where {I} and I had to run to the liquor store without them, emotions came out and the conversation went a little sideways. It's a thing that happens often when I have an unhappiness with something. As I describe the thing, irrational or rational, {I} intakes much of what I am saying as punishing her. Result: her emotional ire rises and more hurtful things are thrown back at me. Body language becomes stiff and eventually she stops communicating altogether. And yes, some of this gets perpetuated by my own ire and poor responses.
I've been working on re-tailoring my responses, and I note that she has been doing much of the same. Neither of us wants the instances to continue. But they happen.
Last night's instance did get resolved, at least in a way that the night could continue with some joy and playfulness all around. I'm not sure it is completely resolved for her in the long run, because it plugs into so many other negative interactions in her life.
Ever during the interaction, I was able to note that subconscious actors were pushing for me to fail and make a mess of everything. Maybe I was able to help pull it back into something better because I was able to at least see some of what waas happening in me? Not quite sure.
What was the argument about?
Hard to say. I keep feeling like things are off-balance, but I can't ever really see how. I'm kinda feeling like I'm having to shut-down processes that have taken me forever to warm up relating to other people. And now start that process with new ones.
Inaccurate and irrational. Wholly.
I think I'm feeling pushed around into shapes that other people want. But even that is inaccurate and irrational, considering most of what is going is directly fed by what I want.
I'm having a metric arseload of difficulty IDing the shape of this emotional reaction.
moo. . .
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