The shape of things.

My relationship with {I} is more damaged that I was aware of. I could ask myself all day how I could be so dense as to not see it, but really, all the maintained things between us just served to keep me out of touch with the real state of things.

So, now I'm back in a place of anxiety. I don't know the real shape of anything, it seems.

Why? I don't know.

I do know that I need to see the real shape of things to even have the opportunity to respond/act in a conducive manner.

{I} says I'm not trying to help her have safe space or get better. I really want to be. I don't understand.

I do see that some of the things I perceive need of in myself are things that inhibit her at the moment.

I guess I have to wait for now, and do what I can.

If it isn't one thing. . .

So, that whole feeling useless or somewhat thing woke up with me today. . .

Feeling like {I} responds with more deep want and arousal to else (not really.) She's so vocal about her response to J, B, C, and even M! Actually voicing things about how excellent/magical/amazing they are with/at this or that.

Which in reality is pretty cool.

Except when it comes in proximity to me making perceptible mistakes in lovemaking, etc. And I see her light up with a heavier physical response than I get from her anymore. And that she gets to do all this play with other people that I had to give up until further notice because of a mistake I made.

Immediately it kind of starts to wear down my already tenuous dom state and I just go into kinda auto-pilot.

Then I wake this morning with my head pulling together all of this stuff and slapping me with 'why am I even here?'

Then I also started seeing some things that actually kinda wet-blanket my arousal for her, like when she woke this morning and immediately was thinking of all the school things she needs to get on top of, but didn't recall the thing she and I planned to do today. Pushes a little more of the 'I don't matter' feeling.

And THEN, as I was mentioning that I was having trouble and needed to blog, I said to her that I know she loves me, but I'm starting to not know what that means. And while she was ok. I'm feeling weird and disconnecty. Not like shutting down, but like she and I are getting more and more disconnected. And feeling like almost all of the substance of our relationship is being handed out to other people at this point.

Maybe I should mention something good?

I had a very positive reaction to her telling me all the awesome she had last night. Very positive! Makes me wish I could've been there taking a picture or two at key points!

. . .

Almost forgot. This not just talking to {I} about everything as needed has me flashing back to when I wouldn't talk about problems or emotions with whomever I was with at the time because I was afraid they'd leave because I was emotional.