Socialization. Manifestation.

So, I was talking with {I} and we hit this topic of contention. Again.

I would like to not have to be excluded from all or almost all interactions with her friends. I want to be able to participate sometimes. Like how we first wanted or relationship to manifest.

And, to appearance (at minimum), {I} either doesn't want me to, or thinks it isn't really possible. That I've pretty well killed interaction with almost any of her friends and myself.

Either way, I don't blame her. Even if I don't think the state is quite the shape she seems to.

The thing is, that got me thinking about cost vs return. And how most relationships are based on cost vs return of energy, interaction, and interest ( at least ).

And I noticed that I tend to disable friendships, sabotage them if you will, if I don't see enough return or potential return for the cost involved.

Not that that is terribly unusual.

But then I got wondering: do I regularly cause people to have to pay higher cost than the return they get from me? And if I do, what amount of that is subconsciously intentional?

I think I need more perspective.

I really don't want to keep blundering through friendships, lovers and others.

I want more out of life.

Testing, 1, 2. . .

Some people decry testing one's partner as inappropriate or unconscionable. Others rely on it.

What's the reality?

I think testing and judgement each have their place. But I also believe there is a state of too far.

When one enacts little to nothing aside from testing and judging one's partner, one is not building anything. There is no input of positive growth. And even if your judgement constantly errs in favour of the partner being what you want them to be, constantly testing is like cutting tiny bits off the relationship over and over. Constant testing also can serve to impede the very connectivity it is looking to verify. It keeps the wielder distanced and disconnected.

At least, these things are why I think people see it as wrong. More, it's an underlying aspect that I can see in there somewhere.

I don't test enough. I give trust and love too readily. So, it's easy for me to see the utility in testing one's partner.

-- Maybe that's a thing. Maybe I was testing. Then the game got changed on me. * thinking *

I maintain. Testing one's partner has a place. But it can also take over and just kinda ruin things.

[edit] Originally wrote this months ago. Decided I could stand to post it.