Good feelings

So, I'm feeling pretty good. Yesterday, {I} had intense interaction with two other people yesterday and I had no upset. She was even edgy that I was going to have a trigger trip. Nothing of the sort happened, and I was even able to help ease and reassure her. AND she elected to tell me all about the interactions. . . sexy. Very good feelings and fun were had.

Compared to the night before, where feeling left out of the communication loop apparently pressed a nice fat trigger. . . trigger marked for reference. Easy as pie to see where it plugs in.

Pretty sure that trigger was so easily pressed due to being on edge from the weekend. . .

Oh boy! Again. . .

So, I feel like I might be on the edge of shutting down again. . . Only it's masked in confusion.

All because of this conversation {I} and I are having today, which has happened before. And it goes nowhere.

Essentially, she lets me know that all kinds of things are wrong, but that she isn't going to say what they are because I can't handle all the negative emotion on delivery. I, on the other hand feel I need to at least be aware of all the things that are wrong so that I don't get mired in a state where anything might be wrong, thus I can't begin to approach anything to find a solution. And I end up not being able to be at ease with much of anything. So both of us just stay in a state of constant anxiety. And she tells me I need to "regain a little confidence before I can handle all the things that are wrong."

And here I am feeling like the whole thing just keeps me in a place where I can't develop my confidence in the space of this relationship.

Grr. . . really. Why so much shite. . ?

Ok. So, a few things here.

{I} and I have a pattern now where if we are out with another person (in that particular sense), she doesn't show me very much in the way of loving gestures and small consistent touches. It's a thing we've talked about before. And it seems that part of the state has always been an effort to not present the general populace with a thing they might find objectionable (3 people all showing each other affection beyond normal level for friends.)

This gets me feeling like a 3rd wheel, especially when with B, who I have affection for even! Irritating, that.

And the way we previously seemed to come to for resolving this was to have me take the affection I need/want. Doesn't do much to help me feel wanted in these instances. I just end up feeling needy and whiny.
It's especially over-blown by the fact that she doesn't see him nearly as often as me, thus her focus goes more to him. Then we can add in the fact that she is more apt to be touchy with him than she is with me (i.e. when we all wake in the morning, lots of touching him, almost none me.

And then there's the bit about how I'm not D/s with her and he is, which was all cool in the first instance, but when the second session of the night rolled out (far more directly sexual) I began to feel uneasy, noting that she is far more directly aroused by the heavy D/s etc. warm up/play into sex, than by anything not that. Which to appearances says to one of my triggers 'she wants him more than me'

So, yeah. I'm all kinds of irrational right now, and can't work myself out of it, due to too much 'evidence' via all the things I see.

I'm unhappy to be reacting the way I am. And I'm hard pressed to find my way past this one. Or even see the correct ways to resolve.

Also: Accidentally over-hearing her say something about suppressing her sub reaction to me because she reminded herself that she is committed to someone else for that, but then doing it for B. It's difficult for me. For a number of reasons.

damn. I feel a mess.

So, really. . .

My access to my own dominant capability has been back in the upswing, and gaining momentum for a short time now. When did that start? Waking back up and reconnecting to life and my relationship after a year of being shut down. That's the first key. Followed by being able to see and thus suss and eventually start controlling my emotional reactions to trigger points. Add in being pushed to make progress, remembering that I am capable and good at a number of things. Throw in a conversation about wants that coincide with those of my partner, especially one that unlocked some long suppressed wants in me, gave me a sense that they were not wrong but encouraged. And lastly, {I} opening up a number of her emotional lock-downs and returning to showing her want for submission.

What does that make for?

Difficulty not engaging in D/s together, considering that element was present in our sex life before we actually started engaging in anything terribly kink. It's second nature to us, especially when we get aroused together.

And just recently one of our interactions just rolled that way, heavy, all of it's own accord. We actually had to consciously modify the way we were interacting to keep from going full bore into it.

Gets me a little edgy. This aspect is back to manifestation for me, and I have to try to keep it closed off. Difficult.

And or sex life seems to subtly lack vivaciousness without it. . .

hmm. . .

Spun.

This interaction between last night and today is spinning me pretty hard. I can feel myself on the verge of shutting down again.

Apparently the perception of my wants conflicting with those of my lover is a shut-down cue.

Can't have that.

Need to know that it is ok for me to vice my wants. To have wants even.

* shakes head *

And top it off with removal of communication. That's a tough thing for me to go through, considering how many times it was used as punishment for doing something "wrong" and/or prelude to just being left.

I feel cold.

And more, and more, and more. . .

Therapy today. Was good. We're still going over my history. I'll probably be writing up a history for him so we can get down to business. I talked a little about my psychotic break (we're referring to it just as my "break"). In the process I realised that I still have emotions stacked around being misunderstood, specifically seen only for what I did during the 'break'.

He gave me a bit of homework: I'm to write up a list of triggers I am aware of, and bring it to the next session in two weeks.

I thought he was kidding when he said I was going to have another opportunity to shift how I look at another trigger today. . .

I can be so apt to disregard things as unlikely.

Turns out I have triggers wrapped up in various portions of sharing.

I've been pushing myself into a little box over sharing.

Especially things that I received as gifts, some of which were given as gifts, others were not intended as such.

Goes back to Trina.

Making myself 'be ok' with sharing everything, including things that I have a right to reserve for myself causes me to shrink and tell myself that I don't deserve some things. (anything?)

I end up afraid of being resented because of wanting to reserve some things for me. Especially after talks about how it may not be possible to reserve anything for just within my relationship with Isz (on each of our sides.) And other talks about how it's kind of a waste of a thing if I only want it for myself.

I'm being vague about exactly what happened, because I can't yet resolve a decision on the matter and I really don't want to drag it through the mud.

Yes, yes. This was triggered by a little thing with {I}. I didn't blow up. I actually managed to feel the whole thing out and think on it.

Still, it puts me in a place where I'm not sure it's ok to want anything to my self. Until I resolve this one, I'm going to be triggering more violently in a number of other areas. Fantastic.

So, more thoughts on whether or not I will bail on the path I have chosen. I get the feeling that there may be at least one person who just plain doesn't believe that I will stay my course. That's their opinion.

But, in the interest of discussion, I want to bring back out one of my own misgivings:

Leather is; as a process, nomenclature, and grounding for a philosophy; a thing that holds no interest for me. Thus will always be a point of division. Even though the underlying concepts of the practice are of direct value.

That said, what is one to do? I require a number of aspects in a teacher, and the meeting of all of them can't be found in every potential teacher. So take what one can find?

Over the weekend there was some stress-induced panic on {I}'s part came out regarding the stresses of her apprenticeship (all the triggers that are being activated at once and the manifestation of the time requirements atm.)

And last night some of it came to:

"if pushing [her] this fast is the only way to get us healthy enough to save our relationship then [she] may have to scrap the whole thing." (meant to include the relationship)

--> not a thing that needs to be fixed this instant, but may be a series of issues

The above statement was received easily but by this morning left me a little unsettled and feeling like the bottom could drop out on this at any second.

Which in turn brought me back to thinking about my level of commitment. And as it happens, if she just up and left, huge portions of the progress she is helping me make would be thrown asunder. And based on what has already compounded around being left, I'll likely be hard pressed to hold together much less continue to grow.

On the other hand, if she just needs to not be n the apprenticeship, I'll still be in and moving forward.

So, maybe I was incorrect about my answer. I don't know. I can't know anything for sure until it comes to pass.

Action reaction cycles. . .

So, friday was pretty normal. Aside from meeting with J&L for a 21st birthday small celebration. They're good people. Mellow and easy.

In a bit of time where {I} and I had to run to the liquor store without them, emotions came out and the conversation went a little sideways. It's a thing that happens often when I have an unhappiness with something. As I describe the thing, irrational or rational, {I} intakes much of what I am saying as punishing her. Result: her emotional ire rises and more hurtful things are thrown back at me. Body language becomes stiff and eventually she stops communicating altogether. And yes, some of this gets perpetuated by my own ire and poor responses.

I've been working on re-tailoring my responses, and I note that she has been doing much of the same. Neither of us wants the instances to continue. But they happen.

Last night's instance did get resolved, at least in a way that the night could continue with some joy and playfulness all around. I'm not sure it is completely resolved for her in the long run, because it plugs into so many other negative interactions in her life.

Ever during the interaction, I was able to note that subconscious actors were pushing for me to fail and make a mess of everything. Maybe I was able to help pull it back into something better because I was able to at least see some of what waas happening in me? Not quite sure.

What was the argument about?

Hard to say. I keep feeling like things are off-balance, but I can't ever really see how. I'm kinda feeling like I'm having to shut-down processes that have taken me forever to warm up relating to other people. And now start that process with new ones.

Inaccurate and irrational. Wholly.

I think I'm feeling pushed around into shapes that other people want. But even that is inaccurate and irrational, considering most of what is going is directly fed by what I want.

I'm having a metric arseload of difficulty IDing the shape of this emotional reaction.

moo. . .

Just another day?

I'm making decisions more easily again. Though, still not as quickly as I hope to soon. Part of this is coming from maintaining awareness of my emotions. It makes seeing many of my wants easier too.

Still got a long way to go.

Days are getting busier. Maybe that'll help me take actual downtime and be more productive in the rest of my time. I do not want to waste time. But I can tell that I'm still unresolved on some emotional points. Need clarity!

Slipping. . .

So, apparently some part of me is trying not to remember that daily means once each day. . .

I missed it last night. So, first thing this morning.

And sadly, the day didn't hold much of note. Except that even as I have been emotionally triggered left and right as well as tired, I have been maintaining much (if not all) of the new schedule of actions I'm implementing. Continuing to cook, clean things (piece by piece), photo-edit, actively work on friends and emotions.

The hardest parts are drawing daily and posting art submissions online. I'm not surprised.

{I} and I talked more about other people, interaction, and my hang-ups. No real resolutions as yet, but I think I managed to give her a little more clarity on where I'm at.

Otherwise, I found I need to get to the dentist. And I need to get my oil changed.

Life moves on. . .

The days. . . they move with speed. . .

So, today was yet another run, run, run day. I had my intake with a psychotherapist one long drive after dropping {I} off at work this morning. Then off to Ellie's school holiday lunch. But wait! I left my camera at the therapists office, in boulder. So home for just long enough to do very little and. . . back to boulder. The back home, for a half-hour. Pick up Ellie from school. Home for snack time. And going again to pick up {I} and head to her parents' house for dinner. And Ellie home. . . then home. . .

And there was a quick summation of my day. What's wrong with that? It's not all that bad, but days like today completely interfere with the functional schedule I want to move myself onto. Getting what I want done, or even what I need done. Lame.

But, that's the holidays.

The intake went well. He believes that where I'm at is very workable and I think he'll be well suited to how I function. He's alt lifestyle friendly and well learned. And he wants me to not smoke at all while in this therapy process, as well as get back to some exercise. So, on I go I believe. Still need to schedule my next appointment, which should be happening on the morrow.

Lunch with Ellie at her school was fun. . . even in light of it being school lunch.

Dinner with {I}'s family? Pretty much what I've come to expect at this point. Kinda fun, and a fair amount of stress on {I}. But what else would I expect from one's blood relations?

Still feeling rather well. Realising that I'm becoming a better partner for {I} already. Not that I'm anywhere near the far reaches of that development. But movement is happening.

Happily, the above means I'm being better for myself. Because ultimately what she wants in/from me is what I want and need. How cool is that?

Apprehensive of and looking forward to my mentorship. I'm hoping for much in the way of good.

And suddenly I realised that I don't feel comfortable that I can be implicitly honest here, in this space.

I think I'll let that settle and roll around for a bit.

Day 1: Really???

Note to readers: I have never previously held any form of written journal. Rarely do I feel the need to write things out. Usually if I choose to, I just use a random sheet of whatever paper is at hand. Regardless, I'm going to try recording a bit of daily life. . . even more unusual on my part. Hmm. We'll see. . .

. . . . .

Today was rather normal for my current state of affairs. I did some cleaning, some cooking, sorted more photos, did some post-processing, sketched, drew, recorded a few bits of emotional realization, and some other rather normal stuff. . .

Emotionally? Feeling rather stable and happy that I keep feeling things and identifying why and what I can do.

A little worried that part of me is trying to disconnect my awareness again.

That's it for now I think.