Socialization. Manifestation.

So, I was talking with {I} and we hit this topic of contention. Again.

I would like to not have to be excluded from all or almost all interactions with her friends. I want to be able to participate sometimes. Like how we first wanted or relationship to manifest.

And, to appearance (at minimum), {I} either doesn't want me to, or thinks it isn't really possible. That I've pretty well killed interaction with almost any of her friends and myself.

Either way, I don't blame her. Even if I don't think the state is quite the shape she seems to.

The thing is, that got me thinking about cost vs return. And how most relationships are based on cost vs return of energy, interaction, and interest ( at least ).

And I noticed that I tend to disable friendships, sabotage them if you will, if I don't see enough return or potential return for the cost involved.

Not that that is terribly unusual.

But then I got wondering: do I regularly cause people to have to pay higher cost than the return they get from me? And if I do, what amount of that is subconsciously intentional?

I think I need more perspective.

I really don't want to keep blundering through friendships, lovers and others.

I want more out of life.

Testing, 1, 2. . .

Some people decry testing one's partner as inappropriate or unconscionable. Others rely on it.

What's the reality?

I think testing and judgement each have their place. But I also believe there is a state of too far.

When one enacts little to nothing aside from testing and judging one's partner, one is not building anything. There is no input of positive growth. And even if your judgement constantly errs in favour of the partner being what you want them to be, constantly testing is like cutting tiny bits off the relationship over and over. Constant testing also can serve to impede the very connectivity it is looking to verify. It keeps the wielder distanced and disconnected.

At least, these things are why I think people see it as wrong. More, it's an underlying aspect that I can see in there somewhere.

I don't test enough. I give trust and love too readily. So, it's easy for me to see the utility in testing one's partner.

-- Maybe that's a thing. Maybe I was testing. Then the game got changed on me. * thinking *

I maintain. Testing one's partner has a place. But it can also take over and just kinda ruin things.

[edit] Originally wrote this months ago. Decided I could stand to post it.

The shape of things.

My relationship with {I} is more damaged that I was aware of. I could ask myself all day how I could be so dense as to not see it, but really, all the maintained things between us just served to keep me out of touch with the real state of things.

So, now I'm back in a place of anxiety. I don't know the real shape of anything, it seems.

Why? I don't know.

I do know that I need to see the real shape of things to even have the opportunity to respond/act in a conducive manner.

{I} says I'm not trying to help her have safe space or get better. I really want to be. I don't understand.

I do see that some of the things I perceive need of in myself are things that inhibit her at the moment.

I guess I have to wait for now, and do what I can.

If it isn't one thing. . .

So, that whole feeling useless or somewhat thing woke up with me today. . .

Feeling like {I} responds with more deep want and arousal to else (not really.) She's so vocal about her response to J, B, C, and even M! Actually voicing things about how excellent/magical/amazing they are with/at this or that.

Which in reality is pretty cool.

Except when it comes in proximity to me making perceptible mistakes in lovemaking, etc. And I see her light up with a heavier physical response than I get from her anymore. And that she gets to do all this play with other people that I had to give up until further notice because of a mistake I made.

Immediately it kind of starts to wear down my already tenuous dom state and I just go into kinda auto-pilot.

Then I wake this morning with my head pulling together all of this stuff and slapping me with 'why am I even here?'

Then I also started seeing some things that actually kinda wet-blanket my arousal for her, like when she woke this morning and immediately was thinking of all the school things she needs to get on top of, but didn't recall the thing she and I planned to do today. Pushes a little more of the 'I don't matter' feeling.

And THEN, as I was mentioning that I was having trouble and needed to blog, I said to her that I know she loves me, but I'm starting to not know what that means. And while she was ok. I'm feeling weird and disconnecty. Not like shutting down, but like she and I are getting more and more disconnected. And feeling like almost all of the substance of our relationship is being handed out to other people at this point.

Maybe I should mention something good?

I had a very positive reaction to her telling me all the awesome she had last night. Very positive! Makes me wish I could've been there taking a picture or two at key points!

. . .

Almost forgot. This not just talking to {I} about everything as needed has me flashing back to when I wouldn't talk about problems or emotions with whomever I was with at the time because I was afraid they'd leave because I was emotional.

Good feelings

So, I'm feeling pretty good. Yesterday, {I} had intense interaction with two other people yesterday and I had no upset. She was even edgy that I was going to have a trigger trip. Nothing of the sort happened, and I was even able to help ease and reassure her. AND she elected to tell me all about the interactions. . . sexy. Very good feelings and fun were had.

Compared to the night before, where feeling left out of the communication loop apparently pressed a nice fat trigger. . . trigger marked for reference. Easy as pie to see where it plugs in.

Pretty sure that trigger was so easily pressed due to being on edge from the weekend. . .

Oh boy! Again. . .

So, I feel like I might be on the edge of shutting down again. . . Only it's masked in confusion.

All because of this conversation {I} and I are having today, which has happened before. And it goes nowhere.

Essentially, she lets me know that all kinds of things are wrong, but that she isn't going to say what they are because I can't handle all the negative emotion on delivery. I, on the other hand feel I need to at least be aware of all the things that are wrong so that I don't get mired in a state where anything might be wrong, thus I can't begin to approach anything to find a solution. And I end up not being able to be at ease with much of anything. So both of us just stay in a state of constant anxiety. And she tells me I need to "regain a little confidence before I can handle all the things that are wrong."

And here I am feeling like the whole thing just keeps me in a place where I can't develop my confidence in the space of this relationship.

Grr. . . really. Why so much shite. . ?

Ok. So, a few things here.

{I} and I have a pattern now where if we are out with another person (in that particular sense), she doesn't show me very much in the way of loving gestures and small consistent touches. It's a thing we've talked about before. And it seems that part of the state has always been an effort to not present the general populace with a thing they might find objectionable (3 people all showing each other affection beyond normal level for friends.)

This gets me feeling like a 3rd wheel, especially when with B, who I have affection for even! Irritating, that.

And the way we previously seemed to come to for resolving this was to have me take the affection I need/want. Doesn't do much to help me feel wanted in these instances. I just end up feeling needy and whiny.
It's especially over-blown by the fact that she doesn't see him nearly as often as me, thus her focus goes more to him. Then we can add in the fact that she is more apt to be touchy with him than she is with me (i.e. when we all wake in the morning, lots of touching him, almost none me.

And then there's the bit about how I'm not D/s with her and he is, which was all cool in the first instance, but when the second session of the night rolled out (far more directly sexual) I began to feel uneasy, noting that she is far more directly aroused by the heavy D/s etc. warm up/play into sex, than by anything not that. Which to appearances says to one of my triggers 'she wants him more than me'

So, yeah. I'm all kinds of irrational right now, and can't work myself out of it, due to too much 'evidence' via all the things I see.

I'm unhappy to be reacting the way I am. And I'm hard pressed to find my way past this one. Or even see the correct ways to resolve.

Also: Accidentally over-hearing her say something about suppressing her sub reaction to me because she reminded herself that she is committed to someone else for that, but then doing it for B. It's difficult for me. For a number of reasons.

damn. I feel a mess.